The Apprentice, week 2: Life’s a beach

Life’s a beach in episode two of  The Apprentice and Apollo are generally a bunch of catty bitches. Escaping their claws this week is Stella English and her lovely eyes, who helmed the boys team this week, so effectively that every other mention of her and the team is referred to as ‘Stella and her boys.’

And so to the task at hand. Getting their directions on a plasma screen at Terminal 5, a bad omen for each team’s success if ever there was one, Lord Sugar dashes any hopes the suited and booted have off jetting off to sunnier climbs. Appearing like Baron Greenback, flanked by Karen and Nick, he unleashes this week’s task which consists of designing, making and pitching a new beach accessory.

Stella certainly does keep the boys in check and certainly shines as team leader, so much so that she has to be seriously considered as a favourite to reach the final.

In charge of Team Apollo this week was Laura, at 22, the youngest girl in the competition who proudly claims to have personally created half a million pounds worth of business in a recent job, perhaps she sold a lottery tickets at a newsagents or something judging by her subsequent performance.

The women this week were just constantly screeching like a bunch of feral cats, so much so that the person doing the signed version will probably be gesturing something round during their screen time. In fact they were so much like cats, not those nice ones on the IKEA advert of course, that I was genuinely surprised that when it came to the final boardroom confrontation that when asked by Lord Sugar why she shouldn’t be fired that Joanna didn’t produce the dismembered body of a dead bird and spat it in front of Lord Sugar seeking his approval.

For me, the Men’s Team came up with a brilliant idea straight off the bat, courtesy of Jamie Lester, my other tip to make the final. His idea was a beach towel incorporating a cooling device for drinks. It really was great and even ‘Neville Longbottom’ came up with a half decent name. Neville AKA Alex exhibits some seriously misplaced exuberance though when spouting comparisons with their new concept to Lord Sugar’s Amstrad video phone that he says was not a success at first. Hang on a minute, was it ever a success? I’ve only ever seen it used in the programme and don’t actually recall it ever being a success, period. Perhaps next he’ll be enthusing about the Nimbus 3000 or the hoverboards from Back to the Future II.

Watching over ‘Stella and the boys’ was Lord Sugar’s aide Nick. His face is priceless whenever it cuts to him, one wonders if there is a camera trained on him during the whole duration of filming, oh please say there is and if there is we should have the chance to watch it by pressing the red button on our remote. His face is always a picture of pain as if he is in anguish after getting his leg trapped in a bear trap, or as my wife so eloquently put it, looks like a bulldog licking piss off a thistle, a shame we never saw that popular phrase on Catchphrase.

Team Apollo however were grasping at straws and then came up with an idea that looked as if it was constructed from straws on one of those inane team building days at work i.e. it looked shit. That’s because it was shit (that’s both the inane team building day at work and the so-called product.) To be fair it was the only idea they had that hadn’t previously been done before, but that didn’t stop it from being crap, which was probably why it hadn’t been done before.

Stroppy nasally bitch, Joanna, just wouldn’t leave the beach book idea alone, shouting over others in an attempt to be heard. In her own (made up) words she said it would ‘make it more easier to read a book’, perhaps she needs to read some on how to speak properly. She certainly needs to read some on manners, the stroppy gobshite. Hilariously she ultimately concedes that the bookeze was a unique idea but that it was indeed uniquely shit.

She is like the anti-Stella, who in comparison is both harsh but fair, polite and a team player.

Although the idea of the Bookeze rather perplexed me, one team they pitched to quite rightly saying that it will easily blow over, is that Boots wanted to stock it exclusively! Eh, one can only imagine that stocks in Boots plummeted after this aired. Crazy.

And yet at the same time only 100 of the Cuuli, the towel come drink cooler device, were sold. This though was surely more to do with Chris ‘cry baby’ Bates  and his frankly piss poor monotone delivery coupled with his ridiculous narrative of one of the team looking cool, but is now tired and has to lie down, but he still looks stylish. Much slapping of foreheads across the land.

Back to the ladies in the boardroom at the end. Obviously Team Leader Laura, who went from hero to zero sales, was there and she dragged aggressive stroppy bitch Joanna in and wouldn’t say boo to a goose Joy along for the ride as well. Joy, much like a goose, got the chop but then a coat stand would have had more of a presence, funnily enough with a nose like that she’d make quite a good coat stand. She may have protested slightly, even though she looked rather like a startled rabbit caught in Lord Sugar’s headlights, but even when she did protest it was something of a shock to actually hear her voice.

You did have to feel more than a little sorry for her though when they all excited and she wasn’t acknowledged, her hand wasn’t shook, she was totally blanked. Somewhere in the corner of an office a lonely coat stand weeps.

One thought on “The Apprentice, week 2: Life’s a beach”

  1. At this early stage, I would say Stella is one of the (very) small handful of genuine candidates for the job, as opposed to the Big Brother wannabes who the producers fill out the rest of the show with. It will be interesting to see who else emerges from the background as a contender – probably people we haven’t seen very much of yet because they are quietly getting on with the tasks rather than posing for the cameras.


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