As you plan what not to watch on the television this Christmas spare a thought for those who see the flickering box in the corner as their friend, but beware, if you get too close it may not just be your eyesight you will have to worry about…
Trevor loved his television. So much so that he had no real friends – well apart from the pizza delivery people.
He used them so much that he got Christmas cards from them – the only card that he ever got. Not that he opened it, it sat on his mat as he could not bear to tear himself away from the TV…he might miss something.
Trevor would only read if it was the TV guide and his favourite tome had to be the bumper double issue of the Radio Times. All those films and Christmas specials just itching to be scored through with felt-tip.
He’d mark off the entire two weeks – a festive feast for the eyes he called it – planning out every televisual minute for the 14 day period, only to be interrupted by toilet breaks and grabbing a drink, but he’d try and time that with the appearance of Sian Lloyd or John Ketley, as he had no interest in he weather. Why would he, he wasn’t going out.
So as a present to himself, Trev ordered a giant 50-inch plasma complete with surround sound and built in freeview. This was his Mecca. Finally something worth worshipping. How he wished that he could have seen Morecambe and Wise in full HD glory.
After several marathon days Trev fell asleep in front of his giant box. He awoke to find himself fused to the TV – slowly being sucked in.
He had watched so much television that he hadn’t just got square eyes but his TV clearly saw him as a square meal.
He’d have to take it back to the shop – he was not sure how he would get it on the bus but somehow he would figure it out. No, not to worry he thought. If all else fails Watchdog will be back in the New Year.
By this point Trev could no longer reach his remote and was stuck on ITV, his favourite was always the BBC.
He’d always been a fan of Christmas with Auntie Beeb. In his mind you couldn’t beat a bit of Del Boy, The Two Ronnies or Noel’s Christmas Presents.
To be perpetually stuck on ITV with their token Bond film would be a living hell for Trev, but he knew that as he disappeared into the bright light of his giant screen he was passing through to what he always called ‘the other side’.
Even Channel Four would be better than this, he thought, at least they have The Snowman. He shouted ‘Help’ to no avail as his TV was too loud, besides it was only fed back to him through his surround sound.
The subwoofer sounded good though. And that was his last thought.
So this Christmas, if you are watching ITV, look out just before the adverts with a square in the right hand corner. That’s Trev trying to cross over from ‘the other side’.